My never ending fatigue is indescribable. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for months, but not quite a year. I feel by now I should have some sort of grasp on it, but I don’t. Honestly, I don’t feel I ever will. No matter how much or how little sleep I get I feel the fatigue slowly killing me. It’s something that I’d never wish on anyone. It makes you feel so weak and helpless. I can barely do what I need to for me, and my love, let alone working. It’s destroying me. I’ve always had a strong work ethic that couldn’t be matched. Now, I feel I can barely do average. The sad part is I’m putting my all into it. Maybe it isn’t as bad as I feel? Maybe I’m just beating myself up? At any rate, I truly don’t think I can do this retail thing anymore. My body can’t handle it.
Yesterday I got my xrays done. The tech made small talk and asked why I needed the xrays, if I had fallen or injured myself somehow. I told him I’ve just been in pain. 3 xrays turned into 10 to 15 and the tech asked me a few more times if I was sure I hadn’t hurt myself as he curiously looked at the images. My heart drops and all I can think about is the YEARS of abuse I faced at the hands of someone who should never dare call himself a man.
Legally, he can’t tell me what he’s seeing, he’s not an MD. My xrays say they’re pending until tomorrow. I’m trying not to think about it. It’s just been one thing after another. I want a break. I want to escape it all.
I got my car fixed today. $344 smackers, but let me tell you- she’s as quiet as a mouse. If you didn’t know any better you would think the engine wasn’t running. Well worth the near $400. It’s also one less thing I have to worry about which also makes it worth it.
So, last week or week before last, I learned my position is getting revamped. Friday, that new schedule was supposed to be released. My boss had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off so I didn’t truly expect it to be posted until Monday. Well, now Monday has come and gone and it’s Tuesday evening…still no schedule… I’m wondering if I’m being let go because no matter what department I’m in, my schedule would still be posted under my human resources menu. Lovely. Just one more thing to add to my list.
But, I do have to say today I got a lot done and I’m proud. Tired & fatigued, but proud.