I always have ideas for posts, but with everything going on with my chronic illnesses they become fleeting. The fatigue is endless and so is work. I struggle daily with the average, every day personal hygiene and chores. I was denied Medicaid coverage for 2019 and have been working solely with reserves/hoards. The thing is I need to quit. I need to rest. I need to be on disability. How can they expect me to keep at a job when I can barely even wash my own ass? I have to have Brendon help me with that. I don’t even feel human. And when I think about it, about his dad and if he had survived, he probably would have been so impaired he would have had to of had his wife do things like that for him. Let me just say, I know it’s love and a part of this journey, but honestly I’d rather die. I’m just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being 30 years old going on 100. This is so ridiculous.
I never thought I’d go downhill so fast. I knew that what I had was progressive. I knew I was getting more autoimmune diseases as time went on. I knew the second I woke up from my coma that life was no longer “normal” for me. I’m struggling really badly. I got insurance through work. It’s no Medicaid that’s for sure, BUT I need new blood work. I need answers. DEFINITIVE answers. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me, “There’s nothing we or you can do. Let it go.” In the meantime I need to try and figure out a different income so I can listen to my body. Because at this rate, I won’t be able to work soon or ever again. At least not what the majority or society thinks of a job.