I’ve felt empty for so long, it’s pretty much a part of me now. It makes me wonder if I’m flawed or if my life is actually flawed. Is my emptiness justifiable? I try to be as happy as I can, just as much as the next person. It gets exhausting, trying to be happy when you’re missing the key pieces to your true happiness. It is up to us, as individuals, to be happy. I can’t sit here and wait for someone to make me happy, but what do you do when that person is a key piece to your happiness? What do you do when you’ve established with that person that they are a part of that puzzle, but they just keep ignoring that even though they say your happiness matters? Somehow I have to put on my big girl panties, gorilla glue my heart and move. I can’t wait forever for those ruby slippers. What do I do? How do I handle this? It’s been YEARS. I can’t live here anymore. I just can’t. I miss my family. I miss my best friend. I miss going to church with my best friend. I miss going to the beach. I miss the closeness of the amusement park. I miss the weather. I miss everything. But then, if I go I will miss him. I shouldn’t have to choose!! I shouldn’t have to live with hurt no matter where I go. I shouldn’t have to live with a broken heart. Why are my feelings always ignored? I don’t want to feel this way anymore.
I hurt. Every day I wake up feeling like I’ve been in an accident while having the worst case of flu I’ve ever had. This is now my “normal.” If I woke up without pain I’d think I was dead. I have no desire to work anymore. The pain and fatigue of my diseases have become too much to bear. I’m exhausted. My soul is a black hole. And I genuinely don’t want to feel this way anymore….