Life

Locomotive

I find trains interesting. I also find them powerful, scary and they fill me with anxiety. Walking from my car into work, I hear the train. It sends chills down my spine. As the train gets closer, I start to move faster. As if I’m running away from my fears. I begin to realize how ridiculous this is. I slow my pace and eventually come to a full stop. I watch and wait. The horn is blaring in the distance. I feel as if I’m comforting my anxiety head on. Something about this is liberating. It breaks through the dense fog and any feelings I had of anxiety dissipate into the cool morning air.

It’s ironic how this train makes me feel right outside of work. A place that generally fills me with anxiety due to the workload. Ironic that I’m running from my fears and anxieties toward another fear and anxiety. Life is definitely strange and so unknown.

I’m tired, so very tired. I just had a vacation 2 months ago and I’m about ready for another. I hope I don’t sleep for another 13 hours again. I probably needed it though last time. I’m hoping to enjoy some more time with Brendon this evening. I never feel like I get enough time with him. Life is passing me by so quickly and I just want to move and get married already. I’m ready to start our life together and start a family. This is a metaphorical locomotive nipping at my heels. I’m not getting any younger or healthier. My heart breaks thinking about it. My heart breaks knowing that my grandfather and father in law are no longer here in the physical world to enjoy this earthly pleasures alongside us. I’m trying so hard not to let it destroy me. I miss them so much. I just want to be near my family and friends. I keep moving back here in hopes it will jumpstart the move down, but it’s just not happening and I don’t know what to do or say. My heart is so broken. How do I approach this without upsetting him? Every time I seem to mention it he looks super annoyed and inconvenienced…

Before Brendon I was always made to feel like I didn’t deserve the happiness. Or I didn’t deserve something I wanted or even needed. I feel I’m not worth the move or the ultimate feeling of happiness still. I often wonder why it was so easy for him to move to Texas (for friends), but it’s not so easy to move to Virginia for me…for us. It makes me feel like they’re is something wrong with me. It makes me feel so unimportant and undeserving. I love him with every fiber of my being and every piece of my soul. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong.

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